Letting Go Read online

  She was forty going on twenty-one, and it wasn’t hard to see where Jagger and Charlie got their looks. They both had her full lips and bone structure most people would kill for. Charlie had her blue eyes, but had naturally blond hair compared to Jagger’s and their mom’s black hair, and a lean body compared to her mom’s hourglass-figured one. I hadn’t seen the youngest sibling since last summer when he was about six months old, but I had no doubt when Keith got older, he’d be just as beautiful as the rest of the family.

  Even with the minor differences in appearance, their personalities were what completely separated them. Where their mom was the free spirit, Charlie was the brain of the family and shy to a fault. And Jagger . . . well, Jagger was just Jagger. He’d always been such a contradiction. He had been the fun one, the one who was always getting Ben and me into trouble with his insane ideas—not that that ever stopped us from following up on his next idea—and yet Jagger had a protective side in him that went much deeper than just being there for those he cared for. Given how flighty his mom had always been, he’d acted like a parent to Charlie, and had been the type of friend who always pushed Ben and me to be better at everything. And even though Jagger was covered in tattoos and looked terrifying if you didn’t know him, and had a wild side we all knew well, there was a part of him that was incredibly calm, artistic, passionate, and in tune with others’ emotions . . . something I’d come to understand well over the past two years.

  Like I said . . . contradiction.

  But this? This guy who had just stepped up to his mom so he was towering over, and staring down at her . . . I’d never seen him before. Knowing him and his different moods, I laughed whenever someone met Jagger and immediately looked intimidated or scared of him. But I saw it now; this Jagger was absolutely terrifying. And yet his mom just stood there looking up at him like he was telling her that the sky was made of cupcakes.

  He bent his head lower, his glare deepening as they stared each other down, and soon his mom turned and walked toward her car—no, not walking. She was dancing to her car. Definitely acting like nothing had just happened, and like she wasn’t affected by or worried about the way Jagger had just treated her. Once her car pulled away, Jagger glanced at me, a sad smile pulling at his lips as he watched me for a few seconds before he moved to the back of the truck and closed it up, and then got in the front.

  As soon as he dropped off the truck at the rental place and took over the driver’s side of his car, he began talking about Charlie and a trip she was taking this summer, before moving on to the subject of what I planned to do in Thatch, and how long I wanted to stay at my parents’ house. There was never a lull in the conversation until he was dropping me back off at their house.

  “Oh, before I forget,” he mumbled, and messed with the keys without taking the car key out of the ignition. “For you.”

  I took the key from him and started putting it on my key ring as I asked, “Warehouse?”

  Jagger made an affirmative grunt. This wasn’t weird for us. Ben, Jagger, and I had all had keys to each other’s houses since we could drive; it had made our parents crazy. When we’d gotten our own apartments in Pullman, we hadn’t even said anything as we’d exchanged keys . . . by then it had been expected. Now wasn’t any different.

  “Try to have fun with your brother tonight, but if it gets too hard or you need anything, call me or just come over, ’kay?”

  I nodded and started to get out of the car, but stopped. Despite how he’d been making sure the conversation had never gone in that direction, I had to ask. “What’s going on with your mom?”

  His face tightened in well-practiced confusion. “What do you mean?”

  “Don’t do that,” I whispered. “Don’t act like you have no idea what I’m talking about.” He continued to watch me, and my shoulders sagged as a strange sadness filled my chest. “You don’t respond to anyone that way, including your mom. Then you wouldn’t talk to her when I was able to hear you.” I shook my head and tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong. “We tell each other everything, we’ve always told each other everything. Then today I find out about the warehouse, and you’re treating your mom like that . . . and I’m sitting here trying to figure out what else I don’t know, Jag. When did all of this change between us?”

  The expression slipped, and those green eyes bounced around as he took in my hurt. “Nothing has changed. I wanted to surprise you with the warehouse, that’s why I didn’t want you to help me move, and why I’m just giving you a key. I was going to show you once I had it all set up. As for my mom . . . that’s—you just don’t have to worry about that right now, Grey. There’s nothing going on that you need to know about, I promise.”

  I didn’t respond. This was coming from the same guy who always called me so I could make him laugh when his mom came home announcing she was getting married again.

  He sighed and caught my eyes with his. “I haven’t heard from her in almost a year. She didn’t show up for graduation, didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming, and then she showed up today because she found out from Charlie that I’d remodeled the warehouse. I told Charlie that you and I were back in town, she told Mom, and now that I don’t want anything to do with her, she suddenly wants to see me again.”

  “She’s your mom, Jagger.”

  “Yeah,” he said on a laugh. Looking away, he took a deep breath before looking at me again. “I guess I was just mad because she didn’t show last week. I’ll apologize to her later.”

  I studied his expression for a few seconds before nodding. I still didn’t believe him, but the day had been long, and physically and emotionally draining, and I could’ve just been making his reaction out to be more than it was. “Okay.”

  “Have fun with Graham; if I don’t see you tonight, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “What, you’re not tired of me yet?”

  His green eyes flashed up to mine before staring straight ahead. His tone held a teasing hint, but there was no mistaking the honesty when he said, “Never.”

  Chapter 3

  Jagger

  May 22, 2014

  “SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE gonna have fun, Charlie. I’m glad you won’t just be sticking around here for the summer with Mom.”

  I turned when she didn’t respond, and watched as Charlie played with the tab on her can of soda. My brows pinched together at the sudden and weird silence in my kitchen. She’d just been going on and on about the month-and-a-half-long trip she and a few of her friends were taking in a few weeks across the country, and now she wouldn’t even look at me.

  “Hey.” I rested my forearms on the counter and waited until she looked up at me. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Bullshit. Is it Mom? Has she been saying something?” I tried to remain calm and not give too much away, but when it came to our mom, that was hard to do. I was always trying to get a feel for what Mom was pulling with Charlie, but if she wasn’t doing anything, then I wasn’t ready for Charlie to know all about her yet.

  “No.” She waved me off and rolled her eyes. “She thinks this trip will be good for me. Something about spreading my wings.”

  Some of the tension eased out of my shoulders when I was assured Charlie was still blind to our mom’s true nature. But if it wasn’t our mom, it was someone else. Cocking my head to the side, I asked, “Then what changed all of a sudden? I couldn’t get you to shut up about this trip, and now I’m ready to go talk to whoever made you look like this.”

  Charlie snorted softly and set her blue eyes on me. “Easy there, Jag. No need to go beating anyone up. I was just thinking about . . . well, I was just thinking about something. But it’s not a big deal.”

  “If you’re thinking it, then it’s a big deal. Tell me.”

  Her round eyes pinched with worry, and she bit down on the inside of her cheek for a minute before taking a shuddering breath. “Do you think I should go on the trip?”

  My head jerked back and a strangled huff ble
w past my lips. I don’t know what I’d been expecting her to say. She’d found someone—probable. My shy sister was pregnant—doubtful. Mom had started coming after her too—possible, even though Charlie had already shown she was still clueless about it all. But this? “Do I think you should go on the trip? Of course I do!”

  “Really? I’m just not sure about it. I mean, I want to go. I haven’t hung out with those girls much since they all left for college a couple years ago. But I just—I don’t know. I feel like I’m waiting for someone to tell me it’s a bad idea.”

  “Why would it be a bad idea, Charlie? Are you worried about something happening on the trip?”

  She rolled her eyes. “No, not that. It’s just, Keith is here, and someone needs to watch him.”

  My eyes narrowed and my hands fisted on top of the counter. “Keith is not your problem, Charlie,” I growled. “Mom’s the one who got knocked up again, it’s her son, she can take care of him.”

  Charlie’s eyes flashed over to mine and hardened. “But you never know when Mom’s gonna just pick up and leave. She’ll be gone for days, and when she goes, she leaves Keith behind!”

  “You think I don’t know that? I didn’t have to be here for the last year and a half to know that about her. She used to leave us all the time too once she thought I was old enough to fend for both of us for a few days. The only reason she leaves Keith right now is because she knows you’re home and you won’t leave him there alone.”

  “I just don’t know, Jag.”

  “Charlie. He is not your responsibility. You need to go on this trip, you need to get out of Thatch for a while.” I laughed agitatedly and shook my head. “Shit, what you need to do is actually go to college.”

  “I do go to school!” she argued back.

  “No. You take classes online, that’s so different.”

  “How is that any—”

  “Because you’re a fucking genius, Charlie!” I yelled, cutting her off. “I know you have money to go to school. You have the test scores to go pretty much wherever you want. I want you to get away from here, and I don’t understand why you don’t want that for yourself. You’re cheating yourself out of the life you deserve away from Thatch.”

  “You came back. Why is it so bad that I wanted to stay?”

  I groaned and ran my hands over my face. “Because I want to live here. There’s nothing wrong with living here, this is a great town. But I want you to have the experience that going away to school will give you. Not only are you not giving yourself that opportunity, but you’re making it incredibly easy for Mom to make you raise her kid.”

  Charlie just stared at me for a few minutes—hurt taking the place of the hardness in her eyes. “You raised me, Jagger. Are you saying you felt like that held you back from your life?”

  “What?” I asked on a breath. “Are you kidding me? That’s so different. You’re two years younger than me, you went everywhere with me anyway. Taking care of you was as easy as taking care of myself—it was not a hardship.”

  “Well, someone needs to take care of Keith the way you took care of me. And despite what you think about me not giving myself the opportunity of living the ‘college life,’ I don’t want that for myself. I’ve never wanted that for myself. I’m smart because you made me study all the time, but that doesn’t mean I like school or want to do anything that a degree from an online school can’t give me. This is what I want to do, and it’s so hard when you’re constantly on me about doing something different—something that you think would be best for me.”

  I rested my hands back on the counter and hung my head. “Okay, I’m sorry. I just—I’m sorry. Yes, I think you should go on the trip. You’re excited about it, it sounds fun, and I agree with Mom . . . I think it’ll be good for you. Can we just talk about something else?”

  “Sure,” she replied softly, but didn’t say anything else until I looked up at her again. “I hung out with Grey today.”

  “I know. She was excited to see you, that was all she talked about this morning before she left to meet up with you.”

  “Yeah, it was . . . fun. I’ve missed her, I loved hanging out with her again.”

  My eyebrows shot up at her tone. “Then why do you sound like a robot?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t. I told you it was fun. Grey seemed . . . fine.”

  “Yeah. First day back was rough for her, I think, but she’s doing a lot better overall.”

  “I noticed,” Charlie mumbled so softly I almost didn’t catch what she said.

  I pushed away from the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “Okay, what’s going on? At graduation you couldn’t wait to see her, and now that you’ve hung out with her, you sound . . . I don’t know, disappointed or something. Did something happen today?”

  “No, I’m just saying she seemed fine.” Her voice was still monotone, and one eyebrow was raised as she stared across the kitchen at nothing.

  My head was spinning. I hated arguing with Charlie, and didn’t like that we’d just gotten into it again about the whole college thing. But the way she’d looked then was completely different from how she looked now. She looked exactly how she sounded and how I’d explained it to her. Disappointed. And I wasn’t sure if something had happened with her and Grey, or if Grey had broken down today. I hadn’t talked to Grey after, so it was possible—and the thought was making me anxious. I needed to be able to make sure Grey was okay, but I couldn’t do that when my sister was acting the way she was.

  “Okay, I know something is wrong with you right now, just talk to me. Did something happen with Grey, yes or no?”

  Charlie sat back in the bar stool, folding her arms over her chest to match my stance. “There’s nothing wrong, and nothing happened. It’s just what I said, Grey’s fine,” she reiterated, then whispered, “She’s just fine.”

  I let my arms drop to my sides and my shoulders sag. “What am I missing? You brought up Grey, and you’re acting weird as shit about her, so I know something’s up!”

  My sister studied me for long moments, not saying anything. Just before I asked again, she blurted out, “Grey’s moving on like nothing ever happened. She’s fine and I don’t know how she can just go on acting like Ben never—like he never meant anything to her.”

  My mouth opened as all the air rushed out of my lungs. “What? That’s what all this has been about?” When she didn’t say anything, I asked, “Charlie, how can you say that? She—she lives with what happened every day. It killed her, but she’s getting stronger, she’s trying to continue living her life like Ben would want her to. I’m pr—” I cut off and groaned in aggravation, shaking my head as if trying to wrap my mind around what she was saying. “You should be proud of her. Does it bother you how I’m living? How I’m going on with my life?”

  “No, Jagger, but that’s different!”

  “How is it any fucking different, Charlie?” I yelled, and threw my arms out wide. “I watched my best friend die right in front of me! We’re all doing what we have to, we’re all doing what Ben would want us to. It’s been two—”

  “She was going to marry him!” she snapped, and I took a step back. Charlie never reacted like this, but then again, I never usually yelled at her. “I just don’t understand how she could go on acting like the guy who meant everything to her never existed just because he died.”

  I ground my jaw but didn’t say anything as I stared at her, willing myself to calm down. “Grey is always struggling, Charlie. Don’t hold it against her for continuing to live.”

  Charlie swallowed thickly and nodded as she slid off the bar stool. Grabbing her purse, she turned to leave, and just before I could ask why she was leaving, she looked back at me and said, “Is this coming from Ben’s best friend, or the guy who always wanted to take Grey from him?”

  “Charlie!”

  “I always wanted you and Grey to be together, Jag. Always.” Her eyes brightened with unshed tears, and she offered me a weak smile. “I was always wait
ing for the day she would see the life you wanted to give her. But she chose Ben, and now she’s acting like he was never even here.”

  “You have no idea what you’re saying. You haven’t seen what she goes through every day.”

  “Tell me this, what would Ben say if he were here, huh? If he saw you two together all the time.”

  I stood there with everything in me aching, and Charlie nodded.

  “That,” she choked out, and cleared her throat, “that is what I’m not okay with.”

  I watched as she walked out of the building, and didn’t try to stop her. She couldn’t have been more wrong, but I didn’t know what to say to make her understand. I didn’t know what to say, period. I’d never seen my sister respond this way, especially to Grey. It didn’t make sense, and now I was afraid she’d said something to Grey.

  Grabbing my keys, I ran out to my car and called Grey, but her phone rang until her voice mail picked up. I stopped just outside the driver’s-side door, rested my elbows on top of the hood of my car, and just listened to her voice as I did every time I got her voice mail. That same happy, nothing-can-touch-me voice that had always been distinctly Grey before Ben died.

  Without leaving a message, I got into my car and drove to her parents’ house, but didn’t stop when I didn’t see her car out front. If she wasn’t answering her phone and wasn’t there, there were only two places I could think of where she would be.

  I was just hoping it wasn’t the cemetery.

  Driving through town, I tried her cell one more time, and after getting her voice mail, I turned off onto an old, familiar path. I took what felt like my first real breath since Charlie had left my place, when I found Grey’s car parked out near the lake and pulled up next to it. Turning off my car, I looked over at the short dock for a few minutes before stepping out and making my way down to the place we’d spent so many days and nights when we were growing up.